Feminism Before Buddhism
I noticed back in my thirties that I generally need to be on my guard with Buddhists. They tend to be judgmental and holier-than-thou. It seems like I need to hide my emotions around them--though I've had my fill of that, as an empathetic INFJ who was gaslighted into suppressing my emotions and intuition beginning in earliest childhood. When I got into Buddhism in my early thirties, I was starting to take my emotions and instincts somewhat seriously, which feminism validates so much more than Buddhism... although in theory, Buddhism is about observing your emotions rather than acting upon them or suppressing them. Admittedly, when I describe these sanctimonious Buddhists, I’m not referring to meditation instructors, monks, or nuns; I’m only referring to laypeople who aren’t trained meditation instructors.
With feminists, I feel l like I can generally speak more openly and let my emotions show. Buddhists claim to be kind and compassionate, but I generally find feminists truly are kind and compassionate, not to mention empathic and tolerant, good listeners. I've even left two so-called Buddhist sanghas because I found myself surrounded by anti-vegetarian bullies!
Buddhists generally tend to be dismissive toward my trauma and the emotions my trauma has caused. They often have a sanctimonious attitude that you should be kind and patient and compassionate toward your abusers and people like them. If I thought Buddhism was about humoring sexual harrasers, as one smug and sanctimonious Buddhist implied, I'd ditch Buddhism immediately.
Under patriarchy, systemic misogyny, and systemic racism, our society has been entirely too kind and compassionate toward abusers and not sufficiently kind and compassionate toward survivors and scapegoats and the vulnerable.
I've come to realize that for me, feminism comes before everything, even before Buddhism. I've also come to realize that feminism can be like a religion and in my case, maybe it is. Feminism is a passion for social justice.
There comes a point when you have to acknowledge that, repeatedly, Buddhists defend abusers and make excuses for abusers...and are dismissive toward the abused. Some Buddhist use karma as an excuse for abuse. That's not okay. There's no excuse for abuse.
In this patriarchal society, I've been gaslighted and invalidated and treated dismissively since early childhood. I don't think it's okay for Buddhism or any religion to perpetuate this and throw survivors under the bus. In theory, Buddhism shouldn't have a patriarchal and misogynistic slant; in practice, it's another story.
Yesterday a Buddhist friend chastised me for resenting the narcissists and sociopaths from my past. She claims you should have compassion for narcissists and sociopaths. She even claims that because of a new theory that pedophiles are wired to be pedophiles, we should have compassion for them. There's an international epidemic of rape and violence against women, but she's wrapped up in having compassion for abusers.
I gave narcissists and sociopaths endless compassion for decades, in exchange for which they used and abused me psychologically. No, they're NOT entitled to use and abuse people. And no, after forty-five years of being used and abused by narcissists and sociopaths, I shouldn't have to pretend they aren't evil. Because they ARE evil. I shouldn't be ashamed for having emotions that are a natural response to all those years of psychological abuse and lies.
I drove nearly 2,000 to get away from toxic relatives around whom I couldn't be myself; I had to hide my emotions and opinions and beliefs. And yet I repeatedly find that if I don't do the same around Buddhists, they're dismissive, sanctimonious, and judgmental, and I cannot be socially comfortable with them. This is ridiculous. After I got into Buddhism, I remained wary of organized religion, and it's no wonder.
Maybe it's time I ditch Buddhism and resume being just a neo-Pagan. I'll continue meditating and reading Buddhist books, such as the writings of Sharon Saltzburg. However, I can't be around Buddhists. I've known for a long time that I prioritize feminism above Buddhism. I know which is ethically superior and which is validating.