“Because You’re Schizoid”

Leonora, the narcissistic sociopath with borderline personality disorder whom I thought was a close friend, enjoyed telling me about the version of me she invented. Once she laughed at me and accused me of not being self-aware. I felt shocked by this accusation… but she was a master of manipulation, and I at least partially believed her. She asked, “Do you have any self-awareness at all?”

Tensing my shoulders, I said, “I thought I had a high level of self-awareness.” Until I met you.

She laughed at me again.

Leonora often made accusations that I now recognize as gaslighting: trying to brainwash me into believing in the warped and inferior version of me that she invented — to ensure I never had any self-esteem or confidence. She kept force-feeding her version of me, and I often believed her. In response, I repeatedly plunged into despair and suicidal thoughts.

Leonora kept harassing me for having anxiety and depression — even though she claimed to have anxiety and depression. She kept nagging me to get a therapist and have a psychological exam and get meds. She came from an upper-middle-class family and claimed that most people get psychological assessment exams as teenagers. Sometimes while nagging me, she bit my head off; other times, she gave me condescending lectures. She never acknowledged I was too busy caretaking her…