A Visit to the Gay Library

You’ve probably noticed that lately RepubliKKKlans have been organizing mass book bans at public and school libraries. These bans are against books that don’t fit into RepubliKKKlan views of the world, namely books by BIPOC authors, books by and about LGBTQIA+ people, and books that expose historical horrors such as slavery and the Holocaust. These recent book bans remind me of the below sardonic essay I wrote years ago (circa 2004) while dwelling in Bigotville, the Twilight Zone (Topeka, Kansas).

This is at my house, not a public library, but it seems fitting.

After work today I went to the Gay Library. Out front stood picketers with big bold signs displaying black letters like, “GOD HATES FAGS” and “GAY LIBRARY.” I’ve been to this library several times before and saw the picketers, but I had never noticed the “GAY LIBRARY” sign until now. It made me feel so hot and bothered, but I drove past and walked into the Gay Library anyway.

I trod down a hallway, past the Gay Library Book Store and into the Gay Café, where all these homosexuals were sitting at little round tables and necking. I mean eating and talking. I got myself some gay scones and some gay muffins. They were cold by now, at this time of day, but I’ll bet the pastries were flaming early this morning. After paying, I headed back down the hallway and past the checkout desk, where I considered saying loudly, “Hey, did you know this is the Gay Library?”

I walked up to a computer — dangerous things, computers, because they contain information — and looked up a few subjects on the online catalog. I found some strange stuff, let me tell you. There’s a book in this Gay Library that’s called Homophobia: a History. Don’t you know, these gay librarians have the audacity to even keep a book about homophobia in relation to Judeo-Christian culture. The nerve of them. They even have history books like Passions Between Women, Surpassing the Love of Men, and Out of the Past. The very idea — suggesting this has been going on for centuries.

Here’s something really scary: the Gay Library has aisles of art books, in this 700 section of the Dewey system. Those 700s should be removed from the Dewey system — they’re terrible. All that art is dangerous for the mind. I’ll bet it’s mostly gay art, since this is the Gay Library. They must have pictures of nude statues, like those ancient Greeks. I heard that Michelangelo was gay…